Prepared for the worst, but hoped for the best

A few weeks back, I wrote another post “Not Just in My Head Anymore”about some life altering paper work that I was given. Paperwork from my adoption on which I was able to read my biomom and biodads names and birthdates.

I talked about not knowing what to think or feel. I talked about how I felt weird and confused…how I wanted information, but wasn’t sure what else I wanted. I had decided to give myself some time to think it all over for a few days or weeks.

Then…in typical random out there fly by the seat of my pants me fashion….I ignored my own advice and within a day or so I decided to message biodad. Apparently the idea of thinking something through rationally is too much for me to handle. I’m to much of a spaz.

Trying to decide what to write was hard. How do you approach someone without making them feel like you want or need something from them? (Well…I guess I wanted/needed health info, but that’s not the wanting or needing something I was referring to) How do I tell them I’m their kid? Without weirding them out. How do I explain without hurting their feelings that I didn’t look them up for over 30 years because I really didn’t need to and that I was happy with my family and life? How do I explain that I don’t know what I want?  How? 

I…..don’t…..know.

I wrote and rewrote that message about 50 times. I wanted the need of information to be taken seriously without making them feel like I want a real relationship or that I want to pressure them into getting to know me. 

So many decisions and so little time. I ended up with what I think is a beautiful letter that is simple and full of emotion but basic. I am very happy with it. I stared at that send button all full of nerves before I hit the send button.

Now….the waiting game. 

I was never very good at waiting.

 I was beginning to hate the fact that Facebook shows you when messages have been read or not because I felt like I was slowly going insane. How can sending someone you don’t know a message freak you out so bad. Maybe it’s the “hey I’m your daughter” factor. Although, I’m not begging for a daddy or anything more than medical information so, it shouldn’t be too hard of a message to swallow. After all, he knows he has a kid they gave up for adoption. He was friends with biomom which makes me think they were expecting or waiting for this to happen.

All the thoughts and inner conflicts. I have been so full of them lately. 

It took a few days to hear back, but I did hear back. I prepped myself for the worst…no response or a go away response. I know too many people who have had both. I prepared myself for rejection. 

I was pleasantly surprised when I  got my message back. It wasn’t negative or mean or anything. It was very polite. Short but polite. Anything is better than what I pictured in my head. 

But….I have an over active imagination! 😉

More on the message……next time!

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2 thoughts on “Prepared for the worst, but hoped for the best

  1. Haylee says:

    So pleased it wasn’t negative – and very brave of you taking the leap in the first place. I totally understand the ‘not needing to make contact earlier’ situation and that it’s something others don’t get. I’ve never met my real dad (loving the biodad term!) and have no desire to. My mum and grandparents raised me and I had a happy childhood where I didn’t want for anything. I never felt anything was missing, like I know some people from single or adoptive parents do. So I hope this is the start of a positive communication, at the very least. 🙂

    Like

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