A few weeks back, I wrote another post “Not Just in My Head Anymore”about some life altering paper work that I was given. Paperwork from my adoption on which I was able to read my biomom and biodads names and birthdates.
I talked about not knowing what to think or feel. I talked about how I felt weird and confused…how I wanted information, but wasn’t sure what else I wanted. I had decided to give myself some time to think it all over for a few days or weeks.
Then…in typical random out there fly by the seat of my pants me fashion….I ignored my own advice and within a day or so I decided to message biodad. Apparently the idea of thinking something through rationally is too much for me to handle. I’m to much of a spaz.
Trying to decide what to write was hard. How do you approach someone without making them feel like you want or need something from them? (Well…I guess I wanted/needed health info, but that’s not the wanting or needing something I was referring to) How do I tell them I’m their kid? Without weirding them out. How do I explain without hurting their feelings that I didn’t look them up for over 30 years because I really didn’t need to and that I was happy with my family and life? How do I explain that I don’t know what I want? How?
I wrote and rewrote that message about 50 times. I wanted the need of information to be taken seriously without making them feel like I want a real relationship or that I want to pressure them into getting to know me.
So many decisions and so little time. I ended up with what I think is a beautiful letter that is simple and full of emotion but basic. I am very happy with it. I stared at that send button all full of nerves before I hit the send button.
Now….the waiting game.
I was never very good at waiting.
I was beginning to hate the fact that Facebook shows you when messages have been read or not because I felt like I was slowly going insane. How can sending someone you don’t know a message freak you out so bad. Maybe it’s the “hey I’m your daughter” factor. Although, I’m not begging for a daddy or anything more than medical information so, it shouldn’t be too hard of a message to swallow. After all, he knows he has a kid they gave up for adoption. He was friends with biomom which makes me think they were expecting or waiting for this to happen.
All the thoughts and inner conflicts. I have been so full of them lately.
It took a few days to hear back, but I did hear back. I prepped myself for the worst…no response or a go away response. I know too many people who have had both. I prepared myself for rejection.
I was pleasantly surprised when I got my message back. It wasn’t negative or mean or anything. It was very polite. Short but polite. Anything is better than what I pictured in my head.
But….I have an over active imagination! 😉
More on the message……next time!