Not Just in My Head Anymore

For those who don’t know….I’m adopted.

I was adopted as a baby. I could not have asked for a better family. As a child, I may have regretably and shamefully used the “You aren’t my real parents” dig at my parents a time or two. But….it was always said through hurt over something childish and stupid and was never really meant.

The people who conceived me and birthed me…aren’t my family. They gave me life and for that I am very thankful. They could have been like so many people now a days who turn to abortion in these situations. Instead, they went through with the pregnancy and labor and because of that I found an amazing family.

My “Adoptive family” isn’t just my ADOPTIVE family. They are my REAL family. MY FAMILY!!! I wouldn’t have it any other way. They stayed up with me during many sleepless nights as a baby. They held my hands and wiped my tears and suffered through my tantrums as a toddler. They survived puberty and some of my…shall we say…more trying stages. They were there for the good times and for the bad times. They loved me unconditionally….even when I made some choice mistakes of my own.

I’ve always been so happy with my family. I couldn’t imagine my life anywhere else. Growing up, I was naturally a bit curious about my biofamily. But, while I read and reread an information packet I had about what they looked like….hair color, eye color, height, and more…I never had the urge to go and find them. I had my family and never wanted to replace them or make them feel like I wanted to replace them. I have Wonderful parents and great brothers. I can’t imagine things any better.

When I had that wonderful doctor appointment a year and a half ago where blood tests showed I was on the verge of diabetes and that some other levels show the possibility of genetic heart disease….I started to wonder about looking them up for health purposes. Yes, I had a sheet that they filled out when I was born, but so many things can happen and change since then. New health concerns can arise. Things happen. I mentioned it to mom and she offered to help me look, but haven’t really thought about it since.

Over the weekend, my mom gave me a packet that says “Original Adoption Papers”. I pulled it out and saw the same packet that i was given growing up and that I have read and reread…pouring over every detail. Except, my mom pointed out that on this copy….I was able to kind of read the names and birthdays that they scribbled over with pen. While I have known my biological last name for years, it was something else to be able to have information to actually look them up to get the information that I would like. I decided to take some time to think about it.

Then, the other day, I randomly decided to google the name of my biomom. It was the easiest to read.  After all, I was born an hour or so away from here and if they are even close at all…they are probably more out that way. I pulled up the wonderful creation of google and typed in the name. The first thing that popped up was an obituary. The name matched. The date of birth matched. If this is the correct person, she passed away 2 years ago. She was only in her early 50s. That young of an age to pass away makes me want to learn more about the health circumstances. Then, I saw the city where she lived and died. My heart raced and sank all at once. She lived in the same city that I am living in right now. I lived here already when she passed away. To make matters weirder…..I pulled up the link to a facebook page and saw photos. She looks familiar and I am pretty sure I have seen her around before.

I read the obituary again. She had two daughters of her own, a husband, and some step children. I knew I had one sibling. I was told I had a sister, but apparently I have two. Both with different dads. I decided to look up one of the girls names. Why….I don’t know. All that pulled up was a facebook link. So, I clicked it and had to immediately go back out. I had a good long glimpse of a face that looks VERY similiar to mine. I saw so many of my own features in her face. Then, I again saw the city she lives in and again it is the SAME city that I live in. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I proceeded to text my mom and my husband about what I did and found out.I event sent Hubby a photo of the online obituary. Then, I headed off to work. I put my phone away so I wouldn’t be tempted with more curiousity.

I found myself pacing the room and deep in thought. I wasn’t being the normal playful and cheerful teacher that my kiddos know and love and I felt guilty. I felt like I needed to scream because I may explode at any moment. Why, oh why did I look that information up? More importantly, why did I do it right before work?

As soon as I spotted MYGIRLIE coming down the hall, I just knew I couldn’t keep this to myself all day. I couldn’t wait to tell someone. If I did, I may go crazy. Plus, she is also adopted. She would understand what I am feeling on some level, right? Right then and there I blurted out the insanity of my morning in a rapid fire method that I am pretty sure only I can speak in and that I’m sure only those that know me REALLY well will ever truly understand. Once done, I took a deep breath and felt instantly better.

There. It’s out.

She gave me the thoughts and comments and advice she could give me in the short amount of time she had. I felt even better. It was nice to have been able to talk to someone about it and have her get why this is so freaky and scary and real. I was able to get back to work in a manner that was more myself and what the kids are accustomed to than the me they had seen that morning. Even though I was more myself and working….the whole scenario kept playing over and over in my mind. I think I figured out what has me so freaked out. I was born over an hour away. In my mind, they always lived more that way or farther away. It would be easy to reach out to them for the information I need without having to actually see them. It would be easy to then move on. But….with knowing what they look like and living in the same town…I now risk running into them and knowing who they are.

Plus, biomom is gone. What if she never told anyone else about me? What if I approach them for information and hurt them because of this secret that was kept from them? What if? What if? What if? Soooo many what ifs. I felt like I might just burst again.

Then, it was magically time for break.

Despite my inner self SCREAMING “DON’T DO IT!!!!” I went for my phone. Then I see messages from mom and Hubby. Mom was not only encouraging me to reach out and make contact, she had googled the biomom’s husband’s phone number and address and texted it to me. (Before I forget…no he isn’t biodad.) Hubby  was apparently fascinated by the whole situation as well and went into his own sleuth mode. He looked up and sent me information on biosis2. While I still saw some similarities in features, it was not as striking as the similiarities between myself and biosis1.

Since I already went this far, I decided to try to decipher biodad’s name under all the wonderful pen scribbling. I was convinced I had it figured out, but couldn’t find ANYTHING on anyone with that name. Either google was failing me or I didn’t have the name correct. I couldn’t figure out what letter I could have had incorrect. I stared and stared at that darn piece of paper till the answer hit me. The only letter that in my opinion and from my insane paper studying and staring that could be easily mistaken was the capital letter P. How simple would it be to mistake that for a capital F or vice versa. I typed the name with the F instead of the P and….voila. There was a result on the good ole google. Name match…reference to the city I was born in on one of the first sites. There was a facebook page as well. Pulled that  up to see that the guy is facebook buddies with biomom.

Holy crap. Did I just find my biodad?

I, again, decided that I needed to take a break. I felt like all this was just getting to be too much. Racing pulse….nausea….and more hit me like a ton of bricks.

Wait… said biomom was survived by her mom. Flip over to that saved information and look up her name. Another obituary. She passed away about 5 months after biomom at the age of 77. Not really an old age but it beats early 50s.

How insane is it that on Saturday I only knew my biological last name and by Monday afternoon after 6 or so hours of staring at a paper trying to read writing under pen and a few minor minutes of googling I had found my biomom, found out that I have 2 biosisters (not one like I thought) , and found biodad. Plus, I’ve seen pictures of all of them as well. All except biodad lives in Wisconsin and not just in WI….but in my little city.

Less than 6 hours of real looking…

A few minutes of typing things into google and facebook….

That’s it!!! That’s all that I did.

Just like that I have all this information in front of me and I am sooo overwhelmed that I have no idea what to do. Do I want more information? YES! I want to know why my biomom passed away at such a young age. Especially after seeing some things that gave me some concerns. Do I want to reach out and risk hurting them? No! Do I necessarily want to meet up and chat and become chummy with them….I don’t know.

I expected it to take me longer to find anything out. I expected them to be farther away and harder to figure out how to get a hold of them. Why? I don’t know. It’s the day and age of the internet. I should have know better. I NEVER expected THIS MUCH to happen and be discovered THIS FAST.

Now that it has…..what the heck am I going to do?


4 thoughts on “Not Just in My Head Anymore

  1. Clare says:

    Wowzers! What a post.
    It seems to me completely natural to be curious about your biological roots. With your hubby and wonderful family behind you – which they seem to totally be I would say process the information and then follow your heart.
    If things work out great, but if they don’t – your curiosity has been satisfied and you have an amazing family anyway so you won’t lose out.
    I’m sure your head is ready to explode with what you know, mine would be! Looking forward to updates whatever you decide.

    Liked by 1 person

    • OneBusyMama says:

      Yeah…these kinds of posts aren’t really my style. Ha ha. It was just so much and I’ve told very few people what happened. I felt the need to write it all down. Maybe to help sort it all out in my head. Who knows!


    • OneBusyMama says:

      Oh and don’t worry….I will post more when I can. I just don’t know if I CAN do anything right now. You are right….processing is needed.


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